I don't remember the day before my mom became an addict. I couldn't tell you the moment that everything changed or when she lost that beautiful spark that all mothers have. Maybe I just don't remember that far back or maybe the years of trauma have completely clouded my mind. I do remember the days when my mom wasn't herself. As if I were outside of my body, looking in. I can see my 8 year old self staring up at my mommy and wondering why she was being weird. I remember thinking, “What's wrong with my mommy?” I can still feel the nausea in my little tummy; a feeling that I got every time she was “acting funny”. My mommy was a part of me. I didn't know what addiction was, but I knew something was seriously wrong.
After years of watching my mother scream, fight, cry, and disappear into her room for hours, I kinda knew what was going on. I had walked in on her with a lighter and aluminum foil in her hands time and time again. I was a very shy child. I never spoke about it or asked any questions. By her reaction to “getting caught” by me, I knew that this was something that I wasn't meant to see. The day that I first walked in on my mom getting high, was the very first time that I felt like I wasn't a child anymore. By age 10, I no longer felt connected to the person that I used to call Mommy.
[ctt title=”Now Reading – The TCOAA Pretties Addiction Series – Vol. 1 Meth is a monster that steals souls” tweet=”#NowReading – The #TCOAA Pretties Addiction Series – Vol. 1 “Meth is a monster that steals souls” by – @JoyceDuboise http://ctt.ec/x9dcT+” coverup=”x9dcT”]
See, the thing about Meth is that it takes a beautiful person, rips out their heart, and replaces it with an evil being that you no longer recognize. It takes the person that you once knew and turns them into a monster that you fear. It's not a fear of them, but a fear for them. You fear that their souls will be stolen forever. You fear that the monster will take their life before it can be saved. That's why I call Meth a monster. It's evil, disgusting, sickening, and shameful. It turned my mother into someone that I didn't know; someone that I didn't want to be around. It changed my mother forever and in turn, I was changed forever.
[ctt title=”TCOAA – Meth turned my mother into someone that I didn't know, someone that I didn't want to be around.” tweet=””Meth turned my mother into someone that I didn't know; someone that I didn't want to be around.” by – @JoyceDuboise http://ctt.ec/R8JEX+” coverup=”R8JEX”]
My innocence was stolen in more ways than one. My memories turned distant and cold. This idea of a “TV family” was non existent in my mind anymore. It's hard to have hope, when you're a child who's only experienced disappointment, pain, and fear. Meth aint no joke and be a child of an addict is a lifelong battle. How do you give up on your mom?
Thank you for reading another volume in the Pretties TCOAA (The Child of An Addict) Addiction Series. This is a series to raise drug addiction awareness. I decided to begin this series when I realized how many people were curious about me being the child of an addict. This was just life for me growing up. I never realized until I became an adult, that I didn’t grow up like everyone else. Yes, I had friends with parents that were amazing. I knew that my childhood was different, I just didn’t realize that it was interesting or a learning experience for other people… Read the Full Back Story here
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