Dear 2015 Me,
It's been a whirlwind of a year. Honestly, that's nothing new. Every year is a rollercoaster. I blame my wild, crazy, unapologetic emotions for that. Every year I look back and I see how far I've come, how much I've matured. Sometimes I look back to months ago and wonder what the hell I was thinking. That's one thing that I have always admired about myself – my ability to look at myself and see what changes that I need to make. I've learned that a lot of people cannot identify their areas of improvements or understand that they can consciously make the changes that they need to make. With all of my insecurities, that's one thing I can say that I love about myself. There's actually a lot of things that I love about myself these days.
Emotionally and spiritually, this has been one of the best years of my life. It started out kinda rough. I've had trouble controlling my emotions, which is bound to happen sometimes and I am sure it's something that everyone experiences. The difference between myself and everyone else is that I've battled depression and anxiety my entire life. The anxiety is a regular (almost daily) thing, so it's manageable. The depression is another thing. It creeps up on me. It's not something that I don't even realize until I've kicked it. There were a few months in the beginning of the year when I fell into a mild depression. It was something that nobody knew about, but looking at all of the signs they would definitely see it. I was moping around, grumpy, irritable, sad for no reason, ungrateful, and just hard to please. There are days that I experience this still, but my internal growth helps me to snap out of it quickly.
I've always been spiritual in the sense that I pray to God on a regular basis. Spirituality isn't religious, at all, though. Being spiritual comes from within. I've learned to love myself in a way that I never knew was possible. I think that I lost myself for awhile there, but in losing myself, I've gained so much. They (whoever they are) always say that it takes hitting rock bottom to really find out what's important. Emotionally, I had hit rock bottom. I didn't love myself. That disgusting feeling made it difficult to build and keep strong relationships. After stumbling on a few spiritual and self-love articles from Elephant Journal, I really felt an incredible desire to dive into the deepest and darkest places of my soul. I realized that I am not so hard to love after all. I learned my self-worth. I stopped allowing people to control my emotions. I am still an emotional and empathic being, but I don't care what people think of me anymore. I stopped allowing myself to deal with shit that I didn't like. I used to be this way, but I became very weak and broken for awhile there.
After really learning about the beautiful, reckless, wild souls that I am, I realized that I am not so hard to love after all. I learned my self-worth. I stopped allowing people to control my emotions. I am still an emotional and empathic being, but I don't care what people think of me anymore. I stopped allowing myself to deal with shit that I didn't like. I used to be this way, but I was lost. Sometimes it's difficult to pinpoint what you need to improve and what is beautiful. My sassy, direct side was something that I accidentally gave up. It was my impulsiveness and short fuse that I really needed to work on. Speaking my mind is okay. I just have to think about others feelings before I speak. I also learned to think about the other person before getting angry. I try to think of their actual intentions, rather than how they made me feel. It's still a work in progress, but I've mended friendships and relationships because of it.
2015 Me, you rocked it! You grew so much. You allowed yourself to be empathetic. You allowed yourself to love your flaws and accentuate your incredible traits, like how giving you are. You actual helped those in need which is something you've always put off until it was too late. You lost 18 lbs even though you swore you'd never diet because you loved food way too much. You gained a few pounds back because you really do love food way too much. You faced your social anxiety and went on a business trip of a lifetime! You met incredible people. You did it all by yourself! You were confident. You literally accomplished career goals that you didn't even know were on the horizon. You forgave people that you never thought you'd forgive because your heart told you to. You followed your heart this year and damn, it was the best decision you've ever made. I think that 2015 really made you into a woman that you can be proud of. I think that 2016 is a year to enjoy. I think that it can be a year filled with love, happiness, and enjoyment. It doesn't have to be a wild ride… unless you want it to be.
Goodbye, 2015 Me. You're carrying an unbreakable smile and shining confidence into the New Year. Keep it up. I like that shit.
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